She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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