if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
