I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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