I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
