So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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Did I show you my penis last night?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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