She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
