There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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