Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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