Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Please don't give away my fajitas
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