I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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