He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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