Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
