sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
