I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
