At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
