Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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