She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
