i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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