After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
