i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
