my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize