i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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