Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize