...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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