Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
