are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
