I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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