Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
