Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
