Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
