In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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