he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Randomize
