Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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