a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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