your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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