she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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