I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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