oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
