do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it's like iHOP with fire
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
