I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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