Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I died a long time ago.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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