My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
