Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
