I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
