I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
