I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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