I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
