Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
