I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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