Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
