I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
