Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
