If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
