A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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