I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
