I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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